Dante once wrote "On march the banners of the King of Hell." Do you think he was referring to the ABC execs that green lit this show?
Welcome to another week of The Bachelor recap! On your left you will see an ocean of low self-esteem and faux ficus, and on your right we have a lovely view of a napping Corinne and producers bating the other contestants to throw their drinks at each other.
As we drop into the pool/cocktail party from last week, Vanessa is hitting Nick with the hard questions.
Is he here for a wife?
Or is he here to make entertaining television and possibly get his dick wet?
The rose ceremony we were deprived of last week proceeds. It becomes more and more apparent that despite her lack of popularity among the other contestants, Nick still really wants to ogle Corinne's goodies.
There's a visible amount of concern, disgust, and discontent about Nick's decisions and the deep regrettable sigh that is Corinne.
It feels like Trump won all over again.
Will this cause some women to leave unexpectedly?
WE CAN'T LOSE VANESSA, YOU GUYS. WE'RE NOT READY TO SAY GOODBYE YET.
Pack your bags ladies, you're headed to... Milwaukee! The armpit of America!
Oh, you wanted to go to Thailand?
Who needs culture when you have locally-made cheeses?!
Danielle L. gets the first solo date with our Bachelor. This may have been the most boring date in history, since the only thing I can recall is they "ran into" Nick's ex-girlfriend.
D.L. handles it as well as someone competing on a show would handle such a situation.
"OMG, yes, Amber is sooooo nice and has only nice things to say about Nick. She should like, come with us on this date, she can hang out in the car, with the windows up, it'll be fun."
After a seamlessly boring conversation about faults and divorce, the pair prances off to a different venue when ~ SURPRISE ~ There's a country concert featuring someone nobody knows/cares about!
And it's just for them?!
We've never seen this kind of date before!
This week is full of adventures. The gals head to the farm to shovel literal bull shit in an attempt to persuade the Bachelor that they are ~cool~ and can handle anything you throw at them.
Including cow pies.
Between the shoddy milking and Corinne's whining, these cows are begging to become filet by the end of this date.
Put them out of their misery.
It's the humane thing to do.
Later, after moving several hundred yards away from anything with four stomachs, Nick gives Kristina the rose, sending Corinne into a fit not even her precious Raquel could mop up.
I used to have a hard time understanding why these women cry about being rejected/ignored by a guy they barely know. And then it dawned on me... Marnie, you may be dead inside, but there are a plethora of reasons those not void of human emotion may weep.
I even took the time to write some down.
- They're not going to be on TV anymore
- Their chances of being the next Bachelorette just vanished
- They bought 12+ evening gowns that they literally will never wear again
- They took a leave of absence/quit their job and may be in financial peril
- Their dads will see this
- Their social media channels won't ever be verified
- They did this to themselves
- They endured Corinne for this long with zero pay off
- They gained 3 pounds and small clusters of cystic acne from drinking so much wine
- Their deep-seated daddy issues truly blossomed on national television
Raven and Nick set off for their date, a youth soccer game, because nothing says "I want to get to know you better in a romantic way" than watching a bunch of pre-pubescents run around in clumps and eat orange slices.
After meeting the parents, Raven and Nick enjoy staring at their dinner plates in the Milwaukee Art Museum, home to the largest cheddar sculpture in the continental U.S.
The conversation gets real very quickly.
Raven has seen some shit, you guys.
First of all, she's from Arkansas. The 700 Kids and Counting family basically inhabit the entire state, so she's seen her fair share of denim maxi skirts.
Second of all, her ex cheated on her and she caught them in flagrante delicto. SHE KNOWS WHAT THAT GIRL'S DOWNSTAIRS LOOKS LIKE.
There's no coming back from that.
The Rose Ceremony
Are we really going to get a second rose ceremony tonight?
We just get to watch Corinne stress eat pigs in a blanket while plotting Taylor's death?
Works for me.
There's no easy way to tell the woman you're dating (let alone 15 of them) that you know that girl over there in the biblical sense.
After dropping the Liz Bomb, Nick discusses THE SAME THING over and over with each of the contestants.
Corinne is crazy confident and literally holds nothing back. She is full steam ahead on the Nick Train, even if the final destination is a grab bag of venereal diseases.
Her trench coat says "I've seen an episode of Sherlock." and "But I didn't make it past the opening credits." at the same time.
She's prepared to explore their relationship through both sexual and confectionary activity. The other women who chose not to jump his bones so early in the game are now becoming increasingly suspicious about Nick's intentions. IS HE HERE FOR THE RIGHT REASONS?
Jasmine parts the drunk seas, driving Corinne to tears because that's what gets her air time.
Things Corinne also excels at: sleeping through Rose Ceremonies. Nick doesn't want to "validate her behavior" by normalizing the fact that she is absent for the ceremony. Frankly, the people of America could be more concerned about not normalizing some other stuff first...
Jazzy G is SWEATING through this rose ceremony until Nick calls her name. She may still boot in front of the cast and crew, but at least we get to see the Backstreet Boys in the next act.
Group Date #1
THE BACKSTREET BOYS SHOW UP AT THE HOUSE.
I don't know about you, but I'm surprised the allegiance to Bachelor Nick didn't suddenly switch to Nick Carter.
Those frosted tips?
That nasally voice?
That strong aroma of irrelevance/ strangely intense nostalgia?
Millennials can't resist.
IT'S THE ORIGINAL CHOREOGRAPHY. THEY ARE LEARNING THE ORIGINAL CHOREOGRAPHY.
Color me jealous.
As the dance lesson goes on, Corinne struggles to wear clothes and not be the center of attention.
Can someone call her nanny, Raquel, to come pick her up?
After a lack-luster performance and a parade of weird shiny hot pants, Danielle L. is serenaded by BSB as she dances with Not Nick Carter.
This counts as a private concert.
Side note: Nick doesn't know what to do with his hands when making out with Danielle L. unless he's grabbing the tush.
Vanessa and Nick are NOT skydiving, but they are going to spin around inside a plane in zero gravity.
I would definitely vomit.
Oh... so might Vanessa.
This date was so innocently hilarious with the yellow socks and static hair and the bouncing around... and now she may blow chunks.
She blew chunks.
Now he's kissing her.
This must be love?
The couple leaves the puke plane to have a romantic roof top dinner overlooking (through smog, dashed dreams, tears, and headshots) LA.
FUN FACT: They don't actually eat on any of these dates because chewing doesn't bring in ratings and the microphones pick up all the chomping.
Group Date #2
"Track and field is a big part of my life."
So they're running?
If I was on this date I'd be so pissed that I didn't get to go to the Backstreet Boys concert.
"Let the Nickathalon begin!"
Heavy sweating and whining (cough*DOMINIQUE*cough) results in Astrid and her saggy boobs sharing the jacuzzi with Nick.
This was filmed in California in September. It's probably 80 degrees outside. Why do they need a hot tub?
I swear if any of you are thinking "But, it's a dry heat." I will block you from reading this blog for the rest of your lives.
Discouraged Dominique is having a bad time on the date and is angered that Nick hasn't fawned over her (like every other guy who has ever looked in her general direction).
She knew this was a competition show, right?
She knew there would there 20 other people with the same agenda, right?
Her aggressive communication is unwarranted and she seals her own fate.
Bye, Dominique. We didn't care to know ye.
Back at the Mansion
In lieu of a cocktail party, Nick opts for a pool party.
"I love how fun and playful Corinne is."
THEN GET A PUPPY.
After some bouncy house brouhaha, the ladies are NOT happy with their bachelor.
Frankly, Vanessa is having none of this shit.
And I am having NONE of Josephine singing.
Can I revive myself from dying of secondhand embarrassment in time for next week's episode?