A Tale of Manure and Manipulation | Bachelor Week 4

Welcome to another week of The Bachelor recap! On your left you will see an ocean of low self-esteem and faux ficus, and on your right we have a lovely view of a napping Corinne and producers bating the other contestants to throw their drinks at each other. 

As we drop into the pool/cocktail party from last week, Vanessa is hitting Nick with the hard questions. 

Is he here for a wife?

Or is he here to make entertaining television and possibly get his dick wet? 

The rose ceremony we were deprived of last week proceeds. It becomes more and more apparent that despite her lack of popularity among the other contestants, Nick still really wants to ogle Corinne's goodies.  

There's a visible amount of concern, disgust, and discontent about Nick's decisions and the deep regrettable sigh that is Corinne. 

It feels like Trump won all over again. 

Will this cause some women to leave unexpectedly?

WE CAN'T LOSE VANESSA, YOU GUYS. WE'RE NOT READY TO SAY GOODBYE YET. 

One-on-One #1

Pack your bags ladies, you're headed to... Milwaukee! The armpit of America! 

Oh, you wanted to go to Thailand?

Who needs culture when you have locally-made cheeses?!

Danielle L. gets the first solo date with our Bachelor. This may have been the most boring date in history, since the only thing I can recall is they "ran into" Nick's ex-girlfriend. 

D.L. handles it as well as someone competing on a show would handle such a situation.

"OMG, yes, Amber is sooooo nice and has only nice things to say about Nick. She should like, come with us on this date, she can hang out in the car, with the windows up, it'll be fun."

After a seamlessly boring conversation about faults and divorce, the pair prances off to a different venue when ~ SURPRISE ~ There's a country concert featuring someone nobody knows/cares about!

And it's just for them?!

We've never seen this kind of date before! 

Group Date

This week is full of adventures. The gals head to the farm to shovel literal bull shit in an attempt to persuade the Bachelor that they are ~cool~ and can handle anything you throw at them.

Including cow pies. 

Between the shoddy milking and Corinne's whining, these cows are begging to become filet by the end of this date. 

Put them out of their misery. 

It's the humane thing to do. 

Later, after moving several hundred yards away from anything with four stomachs, Nick gives Kristina the rose, sending Corinne into a fit not even her precious Raquel could mop up. 

The horror.

I used to have a hard time understanding why these women cry about being rejected/ignored by a guy they barely know. And then it dawned on me... Marnie, you may be dead inside, but there are a plethora of reasons those not void of human emotion may weep. 

I even took the time to write some down. 

  1. They're not going to be on TV anymore
  2. Their chances of being the next Bachelorette just vanished
  3. They bought 12+ evening gowns that they literally will never wear again
  4. They took a leave of absence/quit their job and may be in financial peril 
  5. Their dads will see this
  6. Their social media channels won't ever be verified
  7. They did this to themselves
  8. They endured Corinne for this long with zero pay off
  9. They gained 3 pounds and small clusters of cystic acne from drinking so much wine
  10. Their deep-seated daddy issues truly blossomed on national television

One-on-One #2

Raven and Nick set off for their date, a youth soccer game, because nothing says "I want to get to know you better in a romantic way" than watching a bunch of pre-pubescents run around in clumps and eat orange slices. 

After meeting the parents, Raven and Nick enjoy staring at their dinner plates in the Milwaukee Art Museum, home to the largest cheddar sculpture in the continental U.S. 

The conversation gets real very quickly.

Raven has seen some shit, you guys. 

First of all, she's from Arkansas. The 700 Kids and Counting family basically inhabit the entire state, so she's seen her fair share of denim maxi skirts. 

Second of all, her ex cheated on her and she caught them in flagrante delicto. SHE KNOWS WHAT THAT GIRL'S DOWNSTAIRS LOOKS LIKE. 

There's no coming back from that. 

The Rose Ceremony

Are we really going to get a second rose ceremony tonight?

No.

We just get to watch Corinne stress eat pigs in a blanket while plotting Taylor's death? 

Works for me.