It's been two Bachelorette-free weeks since Rachel narrowed down her choices to six men, all of whom are so dang thirsty to bring this girl home to their families.
We pick back up on the Western European tour, this week in Switzerland, home of the Toblerone and the cheese.
Bryan gets the first one-on-one date and Adam spends all 7 seconds of his screen time complaining.
One-on-One Date #1
Rachel and Bryan (HCC) mosey up to a very nice Bentley and drive to a very nice watch store to buy very expensive watches.
"This is the perfect date, this is exactly how I imagined spending my time with Rachel... getting free shit and banking some dope Instagram photos."
Literally nothing else interesting (aside from Bryan's mom being a little Yoko Ono during his previous relationship) happens on this date. Maybe the other exception is the alarming number of candelabras in this huge music hall/museum/library they have to themselves.
One-on-One Date #2
Mon Petit Dean gets another one-on-one date, and if you've seen the sneak peeks and promos, you know that Rachel puts Wee Deano on the spot by asking him to take more initiative in getting to know her.
The pair go to church. Feel familiar?
We don't see the whole mass because that's probably the hour the crew took to eat lunch, R+D chat with the locals, dance in a city square, then Dean starts internally screaming.
Side note: Peter has better sweaters than Ben did on Kaitlyn's season.
Long story short, Dean can't formulate a sentence or speak about anything substantial but can only smile like a dang cherubic baby and let his precious little eyes sparkle.
He gets straight with her about his family situation and his daddy issues, she reassures him that she will not judge him for any weirdness that may happen if/when she goes to Aspen.
One-on-One Date #3
Peter gets ANOTHER solo date, leaving Eric, Matt, and Adam (Sr.) to bitch and moan about the group date.
Petey and Ray jet off to the see the Swiss Alps and dogsled.
Bundled up and being pulled by pooches, seems like things can't get better.
Then Pedro gets real honest, real quick.
Is he feeling guilty for making his ex cry?
Because they broke up?
Isn't that, like, standard?
The date card for this troupe is quite ominous.
"Tomorrow will be difficult. I don't know what else to say."
For some reason, Adam almost looks like a poor man's regular-sized Scott Caan.
Is that a stretch?
Well, what else do you expect me to do with the literal 19.86 seconds of airtime he's had this entire season?
Adam Jr. and 4" taller Scott Caan, that's all I got.
Rachel pulls Eric off to the side and I don't remember anything they talked about because her false eyelashes are directing Geneva's air traffic with every blink.
Note for her HMU artist: do less.
Matt makes Rachel cry, because he's the dude version of her?
She sends him home because they're just not in the right situation to fall in love. Television. She's referring to television.
Au revoir, Matt. We hardly knew (or cared about) ye.
Adam rambles about how he can't be vulnerable and is an optimist.
*Cue eye roll and rewind the tape to when he was literally imagining the worst when not receiving a one-on-one date*
Eric unloads about a rough life in Baltimore, describing what sounds like a watered-down episode of The Wire.
It's 9:50 so not sure if we'll actually find out who the final 4 are tonight.
Knowing the producers and their sick, twisted ways, we'll get a "To Be Continued..."
ERIC GETS THE ROSE.
Adam practically fumes from the ears and becomes one with his true pessimistic self.
And an overwhelming concern about Dean's father.