I swear to Bette Midler I will bust some skulls if I have to endure 120 minutes of Waboom wackiness.
Group Date #1
Just when I thought tonight was going to be a struggle, Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher show up to help.
After explaining the ridiculous obstacle course, Ashton says he doesn't feel that Rachel's guy is in this group. Kelso knows.
"I just know. I had a feeling. I knew on day one." I'm here for this relationship, and this relationship only.
Somehow Lucas wins, then demands that Ashton join in the celebration with a "Waboom!"
Ashton is usually down for anything, except the Waboom call. His hatred for Lucas shows and fuels my hate-fire, that I did not think was possible to intensify, until Lucas recites his "poem."
I'm even more mad because now I know he'll be on Paradise for sure.
Why is Rachel even giving this guy the time of day? Literally Night One was a #ad for his weird company/cult.
Did he pay ABC loads of money for the chance to advertise?
Who did he blackmail to get on the show?
In efforts to make the most of some one-on-one time, Blake spills the beans that he lives with Lucas' ex-girlfriend.
Yeah, I know. I hate this show.
But OH WAIT, Blake didn't want to keep talking about Lucas so they his alone time with Rach would be all about him.
Blake knows he isn't making it past week 2 so he's trying to make a name for himself by creating conflict. Homeboy is banking on some air time during The Men Tell All.
A tad hypocritical, isn't it?
Young Kenneth drops some knowledge, keeps his distance, and delivers possibly the best line of the night.
"Listen, I'm a pro-wrestler, so I know all about white dudes acting crazy."
Dean gets the first rose of the episode and I'm starting to look past the whole Once you go black line from his first encounter.
One-on-One Date #1
Peter nabs the first one-on-one date... but learns he must share it with another.
COPPER IS JOINING THE DATE!
IT'S A DOGGIE POOL PARTY DATE!
ALL THE GOOD BOYS (and girls) ARE GOING TO HAVE SO MUCH FUN IN THE SUN!
I literally only care about the dogs and there should be a show called the Bark-chelor where all the puppies find their puppy pals.
Barkfest is truly #lit and Copper is having an amazing time.
And I guess Peter is too... but whatever.
Pete and Rach are chilling at a La Quinta, hanging with Copper, talking about their parents, orthodonture, and profound heartbreak/self-discovery.
You know, your typical first date stuff.
Peter gets a rose (duh), but so far this episode is boring and if I'm going to stay invested, someone better sleep with a producer or something ASAP.
Group Date #2
Kareem Abdul Jabbar towers over all the men in both stature and emotional stability.
While the guys prepare for a quick basketball scrimmage, I notice Lee can't even dribble.
I'm a slow, chubby white girl with bad knees and I can handle a ball better than that back-country Justin Bieber.
DeMario is so confident in his skills that he's making excessive sports references, thinking it makes him seem legit.
The guys now have to play in front of an actual crowd while Rachel just hangs out amongst the youths.
DeMario talks a lot of smack for someone who's about to get humiliated on national television.
His girlfriend, Lexi, strolls up to Rachel, post basketball game, and drops some truth bombs.
Up until three days before last season's After the Final Rose, DeMario and Lexi had been dating/hooking up/ texting for 7 months.
Lexi is ready to go OFF and DeMario just keeps jabbering over them with any and every excuse.
Dude, for your own good, keep your mouth shut. You already took up a spot for someone who ACTUALLY wants to go through this shit, sans side piece.
BLAKE K COULD STILL BE HERE.
MOANING MILTON COULD BE BAWLIN' WHILE BALLIN' RIGHT NOW.
This show is a waste of time for viewers, BUT we do it to ourselves voluntarily.
It's the very root of sadism.
Don't waste RayRay's time, guys. She's on a mission from the production gods to get engaged in 2 months or less.
America is depending on her.
TV execs are depending on her.
NEIL EFFIN LANE IS DEPENDING ON HER.
Josiah gets the rose we all knew he was going to get.
Bryan (Hot Colombian Chiropractor) didn't get a date this week but reminds Rachel of his handiwork by planting one on her and giving her an "adjustment."
I'm not kidding.
I'm really jealous.
A mystery caller has arrived at the gates. SURPRISE it's DeMario begging for mercy.
I want Chris Harrison to tell him to fuck off, but Chris is more of a gentleman than I, so he fills Rachel in on what's going on.
The guys form an angry mob start marching out to the front of the mansion, like some rabid, boozed up, Beauty and the Beast malarky.
I hope someone gets punched.
We didn't get a rose ceremony. The least ABC can do is give us a proper beat down next week.