That Swamp Water is 300% Flesh-Eating Bacteria | Bachelor Week 8

After Nick rocked the boat last week, cutting women left and right before hometown dates, we're down to four ladies (even though we know it's technically three).

This is the kind of rose ceremony we need at this stage in the game. Couches. Pajamas. Moderate sobriety. 

Raven's Hometown

What is there to do in Hoxie, Arkansas? 

They travel to the sacred grain bins and pull a stupid stunt where Raven's cop brother pretends to reprimand them. 

Ya'll we're goin' muddin! 

I'm sorry. Are they FROLICKING IN THE SWAMP WATER?

LEECHES.

FLESH-EATING BACTERIA.

SEWAGE RUNOFF.

This is so Arkansas it hurts. 

They hose off and roll up to meet Raven's family. 

Raven's adorable dad is declared cancer free and things get emotional

The mushiness continues and there are some heart-to-hearts about how everyone thought Nick was going to be a dick *cough* He isn't? *cough*

Now comes the time where the contestants feel they HAVE to tell the suitor that they love them. 

Raven chickens out and watches the Bachelor drive away.

Rachel's Hometown

Rach takes young Nicholas to church. 

He's a yogurt covered raisin in the most soulful batch of chocolate pudding. Just look him clapping off-beat and uncomfortably smiling. 

She's so cool and I am so excited to see them break up. 

Daddy Lindsey won't be around because of "work obligations." [Insert Nick's deep, thankful sigh of relief here.] 

Rachel's sister and her deafeningly caucasian husband have a chat with the couple and get real about their situation. 

I'd love to recap their conversation but I'm currently too weirded out by the brother-in-law to do anything else. 

Corinne's Hometown

"I don't know what to expect on this hometown date with Corinne but I know it'll be exciting and fun and probably make it burn when I pee."

An ordinary day in Corinneland is the most bizarre and out-of-this-world shopping spree to anyone else. 

"This is what life and soul-crippling debt is like with me!"

Over severe humidity sweats and oil-dipped bread, Corinne tells Nick that she, like, loves him and, like, stuff. 

You can practically see the producer's giving her cues off-camera, scripting this declaration of "love."

One awkward olive-eating scene later, WE GET TO MEET RAQUEL. 

Raquel is flawless. 

I hear her Swiffer is insured for $10,000.

I hear she does car commercials… in the kitchen. 

Her favorite movie is "Maid in Manhattan."

One time she met Nick Viall on set.

And he told her he was excited to meet her.

One time she showed us how to make cheesy pasta… it was awesome.

Vanessa's Hometown

Nick is welcomed to Montreal by Vanessa's students, who help the couple construct a scrapbook, rubbing everyone's face in their Caribbean travels and zero-gravity mack-sessions. 

Vanessa seems to be introducing Nick to every person she's ever met. Randy, the cashier from the Tim Horton's, is stopping by later with the doughnuts they throw out at the end of the day. 

Her mother's side of the family is not feeling this relationship. What will her dad's side think?

Nope. 

This is amazing to watch. 

Did they know their daughter was going on this show?

Do they understand the concept of the show?

Can Nick relay how much he "respects" these women before the episode ends?

Andi Dorfman shows up and so we have to wait until next week.