What A Bitch Does When A Bitch Is Confronted| Bachelorette Week 5 (Night 1)
I forget exactly where we left off last week, but I think it had something to do with Kenny and Lee.
See what a bitch does when a bitch is confronted?
Apply more hair gel?
Is Lee a cheerleader? Because he's throwing around a certain word quite a bit.
Naturally, Bryan the Hot Colombian Chiropractor gets the group date rose while Kenny and Lee continue to heckle each other.
One-on-One Date #1
Rachel is taking Jack Stone out to see if he's really a Cylon or not. He's like a robot shoved inside a human skin. His Evil Inspector Gadget teeth are bone-chilling, and his inability to be relaxed is troubling. All signs point to a lack of human soul. He's probably smooth down there... like a Ken Doll.
Back at the hotel, Will explains to Lee that his word choice upset Kenny. Lee is defensive because, as Will said "It's probably not something he's ever faced before..." being from a place where people fornicate with bovine then vote for a talking Dorito with a bad combover like it's any old Tuesday.
Back on the date, Jack Stone's creepiness is so disconcerting my face is stuck like this:
The Rose Ceremony
The lack of cocktail party has these guys oozing butt sweat.
After Lee and Kenny are both called forward, Iggy gets the boot, and the Tickler is out.
He's "just gotta get out there and find a girl who's into a whole lotta tickling."
You go find her, Jonathan. Just make sure you get yourself a good lawyer too.
One-on-One Date #2
Rachel takes HCC to explore Oslo, Norway to do some "romantic sight-seeing... from the sky."
This is my worst nightmare.
I can feel my dad getting vertigo from here.
HCC takes a break from making too many sex noises and goes for the full-on mack in the middle of the repel.
Bryan gets asked about his confidence, good looks, quick wit, and amazing cheek bones all the time.
Rachel may add "Why the fuck are you still single?" to that list.
Are you ready for some handball?
The guys strap on the singlets and WHY IS DEAN THE ONLY ONE WEARING A JOCK STRAP?!
Is he rockin' one nad? Does he just prefer the extra support?
But more importantly, IS THAT ADAM JR?
HAS ADAM JR BEEN HERE THE WHOLE TIME?
Back at the hotel, Kenny is FaceTiming his daughter and crying. So we're all crying.
Does that look like an aggressive man to you?
Back after the men have finished grappling and the booze is flowing, Will opens up to Rachel, Josiah has turned his Kanye-meter way the fuck up, and Alex wrote her a letter.
Peter continues to be perfect and gets the first hot tub make out session, but not the group date rose.
It's 9:43 so we're definitely not seeing the end of the rumored beatdown. My money says we see one punch, some off-camera yelling and planned producer panic, then Chris Harrison bellowing "Tomorrow night on The Bachelorette..."
Watching Lee freeze on the riverbank is my favorite new activity.
Rachel should know that she can't trust a guy who wears 3/4 outdoors in Norway. Then again, confining Lucifer within your human skin sack can leave one quite balmy.
Tomorrow on The Bachelorette