What Does Your Heart Tell You? | Bachelor Week 6

Taylor may have been shown the door last week as Corinne and Nick sailed away into the sunset... but it wasn't the last we saw of her. 

You've been lied to, Nick. Dentists say flossing doesn't matter anymore.

Joke's on Taylor because Nick doesn't care if Corinne lied or not, he made his decision solely based off of who had the bigger jugs. 

Taylor, her Master's degree, and her flat chest flee the scene while the remaining women pull up to the rose ceremony in a horse and buggy. 

Dear Beyonce, it's me, Margaret (but you can call me Marnie, everyone does, and if we're going to be best friends we shouldn't be so formal). Please, please, PLEASE send Josephine home tonight. She's annoying and reminds me of someone who was rejected to be built into the Laguna Beach cast. Post up, flawle$$, Amen. 

Nick cancels the cocktail party.

Panic ensues. 

Dolphin Girl, Josephine, and Septum Piercing Jamie are sent off with fake hugs and tears. 

I feel the loss of Dolphin Girl deep in my soul and can't wait to see her on Bachelor in Paradise. 

These women act as if it never came to them that this process works this way. 

In truth, there is no way to prepare yourself for this type of situation unless you've spent some serious time on a compound in Utah growing your sister-wife braid and thinking you'll burn in hellfire for exposing your achilles heel in public. 

Nick's Jason Priestly swim shorts are too distracting for me to form the next sentence. 

One-on-One 

Kristina hops on a seaplane with Nick, ignoring every statistic that shows single engine prop planes have a higher chance of augering into the jagged rocks below. 

Meanwhile, on the sandy shore, Jasmine is weaning off the steady dose of attention she's been getting her entire life.

Welcome to the competition show, Jazz.

Your tears of insecurity only act as lubricant for the other women to slide more easily into a relationship with The Bachelor. 

Lorna, the St. Thomas version of Raquel, shuffles into the hotel room and lets the contestants know she was there to help them with whatever they may need. 

Not only did Corinne light up like a Christmas tree at this, she probably peed her pants a little with excitement. 

Kristina's backstory is heartbreaking and, frankly, pretty timely in terms of the political climate.

Nick seems to grasp the gravity of her situation, but apparently not enough to control the uncomfortable grin on his face while she tells him about her emotional plight.  

He's probably the kind of guy that laughs at funerals. 

Back at the hotel, we get the news.

Another two-on-one.

If Whitney goes home my bracket is totally screwed. 

Group Date

A little game of beach volleyball will stir up this otherwise bland date, right? Throw a little Top Gun action in perhaps?

I'm sure Corinne would be an amazing volleyball player if she wasn't drunk.

I looked away for two seconds and now literally everyone is sobbing. 

What happened? Are they all just sore losers? 

I'm just disappointed a Gaylord Focker f*ck up didn't happen.

Okay, okay,  I'm caught up. Everyone is insecure about their relationship with Nick, this is their sixth consecutive week without contact with their families or the outside world, and to top it all off they've only been given wine and kale. 

Booze and superfoods will feed the crazy. 

Can someone please notify Jasmine that she isn't that great because if she was SHE WOULDN'T HAVE TO COME ON A FORSAKEN REALITY SHOW TO FIND A BOYFRIEND. 

I hate when people talk about this show and say "the process works" like it's a clinical trial that cures the most complex of ailments. This is television.

Heavily. Produced. Television.

Your dates are set up by professionals and everything is timed perfectly so there is no time for anything to be awkward, or spontaneous, or REMOTELY REAL. 

Jasmine wants to put Nick in the chokie. She'll have to get past Miss Trunchabull first... and Chris Harrison. 

Jazzy is practically pushed into the car, choking out tears and STILL talking about how nothing worked to her advantage. 

Bye, Veruca. See you never. 

Two-on-One

Can someone feed Whitney? I'm worried.

Seeing girls that skinny makes me hungry. 

tumblr_lg0vpjKpPl1qax3hv.gif

Nick went into this date hoping that it would give him a lot of clarity about his virtually non-existent relationship with Whitney in comparison to the hot, steamy potential that is Danielle L. 

Considering Whitney is basically the honeydew of this fruit salad show, Nick's gotta pick the green chunks out so he can focus on the strawberries. 

Goodbye, bracket. I didn't have any actual money invested in you anyway. 

Is it a rule that they have to leave a poor soul on the beach every season?

Whit will be fine. She'll go do some yogilates... she'll breathe and shit, get a wheatgrass shot, then meet some nice 8 foot Minnesotan over a cold plate of lutefisk. 

I honestly zoned out that whole time Danielle L. and Nick were talking because I was so bored. 

There's a glimmer of hesitation and concern in Nick's glassy eyes that snaps me out of my zombie trance. 

Apparently D.L. is falling in love with him... but Little Nick isn't RSVPing to the party. 

You can't make someone love you. 

You can only make them love the ratings your heartache will rake in. 

Back at the hotel, Nick takes a moment to cry to the remaining women about how he still has so many fears about not being able to find love. 

He walks out. 

No one follows him. 

We've got 6 more episodes left so SOMEONE continues the show even if Nicky peaces out. 

May her Beyness be with you.