I said I wouldn't do this again.
I swore I'd just blissfully watch and angry tweet if necessary.
Yet here I am. Blogging about the damn Bachelor.
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Want to read some of the older stuff?
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Are we ready for another season of tears, private concerts, broken wine glasses, and helicopters?
Side note: If I took a shot for every helicopter I saw in the "This Season On The Bachelor" reel, I'd be dead already.
Group Date #1:
The ladies are ready to join Nick for a cringeworthy first date- a wedding photoshoot!
"I've never been a bridesmaid."
Says Corinne, the girl who has had zero female friends since 7th grade.
Everyone already loathes Corinne and will continue to slut shame her throughout the whole episode. Let's not forget that there are so many other things we can make fun of her for.
Alexis/Dolphin girl makes herself known to the Bachelor before the games begin.
Hi, I don't know if you remember me. I'm Alexis and I'm perpetually confused by aquatic life.
Time to keep the mimosas and low self esteem flowin'.
In a matter of seconds outfits/themes for this shoot are assigned, Corinne is bragging about her bikini, another girl gets a skimpier costume, and the pre-meditated threats and insults swirl out of the Miami Princess' pie hole.
Real talk. Corinne is a producer's wet dream.
Seeing other women with Nick has Corinne stressed.
She can't even remember a time when she was this stressed.
Here are a list of times when Corinne was this stressed:
- When her spray tan dripped off and got all over the inside of her BMW
- When her maid Raquel came back from the store without gluten-free doughnut holes BUT they weren't dairy-free
- When Heath Ledger died
- When her colorist moved to Boca
- When her Kabbalah bracelet broke in the pool in Vegas and she thought voodoo was going to happen to her (that's not how Kabbalah works)
- When Von Dutch trucker hats suddenly became tacky
She's a special one.
In an attempt to one-up literally everyone else, she loses the bikini top while the photographer grapples with the water/camera equipment to hide Little Nick from making an appearance.
"Let's Janet Jackson it."
Honestly, that's an insult to Janet Jackson.
Let me be clear.
I don't dislike Corinne because she took her top off or because she kissed Nick on the first night. I dislike Corinne because she's a little too cocky, a little too self-obsessed, and a lot too drunk.
Meanwhile on the other side of Crazy Town:
"Raven can't help herself from being honest."
That's so Raven.
What's not very Raven? Literally swallowing the lower part of the poor guy's face. That's so Corinne... who happens to get the rose.
Can someone get Nick a piano and some shades because the boy is BLIND.
Neonatal nurse Danielle M. has a deep, dark secret.
While she and Nick clap as the helicopter lands on a literal yacht, Liz spills the beans about her pre-show hook up with the Bachelor. The conversation between her and Christen (the person she's chosen to discretely confide in with FOUR CAMERAS around) spans three mansion locations and outfit changes.
This is serious.
The lovely couple are enjoying quality time together when they start to delve into Nick's ties to the show/franchise and the feelings that were inevitably trodden upon by Andi, Kaitlyn, and Amanda.
Danielle M. shares that she lost her fiancé to substance abuse and the two share a a very real (as it can get) moment. She gets a rose for her incredible strength, and women/husbands forced to watch the show all over America/Canada sigh with relief that not everyone on reality TV is totally psycho.
Group Date #2
Here we are at a museum full of people's crap. Including the ring and rose Nick tried to give Kaitlyn before she gave him a hard pass.
Liz is awkwardly trying not to be awkward about her super awkward relationship with Nick. She breaks down in tears and moves outside to watch her competition (and potential eskimo sisters) fake break up with their boyfriend.
A few fake tears, laughs, and slaps later, Liz whips out her mini notebook and makes things so much worse for herself.
It's 9:40. Are we even going to get a rose ceremony this episode?
The background music being played over any and all dialogue gives us a hint that literally nothing else will be aired aside from the Liz drama.
For someone who just spent her entire alone time talking about another girl, Christen seems pretty pleased with herself.
"Is she using our past experience to get herself on TV?"
Yeah, okay, we are not getting a rose ceremony tonight.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHERE I STAND IN THE FANTASY LEAGUE IF YOU DON'T BOOT SOME BIDDIES TO THE CURB.
SAM FROM AD SALES IS AHEAD BY 20 POINTS.
I CAN'T LET HER GET ALL THE GLORY.
Liz got the boot and we get shafted.
*(I love you and your family, PLEASE DON'T LEAVE)