In case you've been living under a rock for the past two weeks, allow me to fill you in on what's been happening in the world.
- The Golden State Warriors won the NBA Championship
- The Pittsburgh Penguins won the Stanley Cup
- Bachelor In Paradise was cancelled
- I moved into a new apartment and sweat more than I thought was humanly possible
- Even though BIP was cancelled, Carly and Evan the Dick Doctor got married anyway
Last time on The Bachelorette, Eric and Lee were about to get into it over some gossip issues. It's no secret that Lee has been ousted as back-country bigot, tweeting derogatory and gross things before appearing on the show, and everyone hates his guts. Eric is annoying, but not nearly as much as Lee.
Dean said it best: "Lee's kind of a... bitch?"
Every time Bryan appears on screen I find myself screaming "MAKE OUT" at the TV. He's a no-drama, caliente, magic-fingered man with a jaw that would stop a meteor hurling towards the planet.
Peter is a damn dream with his salt-and-pepper hair, staying out of confrontation and dentist chairs.
Chris Harrison discusses the pressures that Rachel is dealing with and offers his services.
"I can facilitate anything you want, just tell me what you need done and I'll do it."
Daddy Harrison steps in a puts the kibosh on the rest of the cocktail party, leaving those who made a spectacle of themselves sweating through their suits.
The Rose Ceremony
Bryce looks like a nervous Rocky the Flying Squirrel as Rachel chooses absolute losers over him and Too-Good-Looking-To-Be-Dumped-On-TV Brady. Diggy leaves too, but he's got his bowties to hold him at night so we shant be too worried about him.
Baby Dean gets his first one-on-one date and cannot contain his excitement.
"He looks like he'd be a good cuddler, but like... the little spoon."- Beth, my roommate and watching buddy
A casual Good Year blimp shows up to whisk the pair away to the heavens. Will this date meet a fate like the Hindenburg?
Did some of you just have to google "Hindenburg?"
After successfully not plunging to their fiery death, Rachel and Dean sip some champs and mack a bit, flying over the resort where the rest of her boyfriends are cutting holes in all of Dean's shirts.
Rachel and the lads are taking to the high seas. Let's get nautical, bitches.
There's bare chested pushup contests and some sub-par rapping, then they arrive to the real deal- The Bachelorette Spelling Bee
Some of these guys are real idiots, but Josiah was so A-N-N-O-Y-I-N-G the whole time, I would have probably spelled facade wrong too.
Never marry a man who makes out with his trophy, ladies. He's basically Mr. Krabs.
Iggy cannot shut his freaking gob. Is he asking to get beat up? Kidding, he's asking to be cast on Bachelor In Paradise...
It's 9:48 and we are still in this cocktail portion of the group date. So no rose ceremony, no group date rose, but perhaps some bloodshed?
In the battle between General Lee and Young Kenneth, my money is on Kenny. He demolishes people for a living, while Lee sprains his thumbs trying to find the most offensive emoji pairing to tweet at the NAACP.
Next Time on The Two-Night Bachelorette...