The [Obvious] Winner Is... | Bachelor Finale

So let's lay all the cards out on the table.

Yes, I am here with my dad (and Matt Lauer). 

Yes, I took an express train home to watch in time.

Yes, I am so damn happy this season is over.

Are you prepared for "something so extraordinary, something that has never happened before?"

PLOT TWIST: Nick, Raven, and Vanessa become a throuple. 

Like I said, I am here with my parents... and our family friend, George. George would like to disclose that this show is ridiculous and he does not get why any woman participate in such a journey. Yet here he is commenting on Nick's likeness to Ryan Gosling.

We're still in Finland, where our contestant's cups runneth over with reindeer, stellar education systems, and crippling self-doubt. 

What, pray-tell, makes this douchenozzle so enchanting to these women? Does he dispense glazed doughnuts through his nostrils after sundown like a magical confectionary ogre? 

The rose emoji text group is in full swing tonight. The Baby Boomer Bachelorites are getting quite the thumb work out (or if you're my mom, the pointer finger pound). 

Oh how convenient, Nick's entire mayonnaise family made the trip out!

Poor Bella is going to grow up thinking this is the normal way to find love.

Swipe left, Bella, swipe motherf***king left. 

Nick's dad has been hitting the Finnish bong and can't seem to open his eyes the whole way. 

Pan left to Nick's mother who probably has not stopped sobbing since her baby boy came home from Paradise.  

George interjects: "Wait last season he got dumped?
And the one before?
So he's a loser?"

"I love my job. I love my family. I love my friends." Why, it's Vanessa's daily affirmations!

Must we revisit the vomit-filled first date?

"I've been looking for someone to hold my hair back while I puke since I was 17." 

Vanessa wants to ask Nick's mom if he's ready? Do they need more time to spend together before they get engaged? Considering they've spent a collective 4 days together, I'm gonna say maybe take a minute. 

Chris Harrison said we'll see something that has never happened before. So unless Corinne strolls up to the igloo they're making out in, I'm predicting they don't get engaged but agree to just date for a while. 

"I love everything about Nick." Except that whole part of the show where he dated Corinne and acted like a complete slore.

Also his chronic gingivitis. 

"Santa is believing in something greater, believing in something magical." 

Santa is more like believing in a lie your parents spoon fed you, then made you swear not to spoil it for your siblings, or the other asshole kids at school. 

Vanessa is constantly getting uber anxious and it's making me uber annoyed. Can someone call her an Uber so she can go take a Xanax? 

Oh wait, Uber isn't cool anymore? Get her a Lyft. 

Nick's type is smart, strong, confident women. Ironically, Vanessa needs constant validation because that shit's nectar of the gods to these people. 

Will Nick let America down? We've already let ourselves down by watching this abomination, Chris. Don't pour salt in the wound. 

"WOODY, GET ME ANOTHER CHARD." My mom knows the only cure for produced romance is the grappa. 

ABC spent the coat budget on music licensing "KISS ME" 

Where Raven is from, girls get married as soon as they get their first visit from Aunt Flo. So in comparison, she's an old maid with her 24 years.

Raven resembles Violet Parr. I can't believe it took me the whole season and my dad's love for The Incredibles to realize it. 

DID HE JUST BRING OUT PUPPIES?

I may have just questioned everything I've ever thought, written, or anger-dreamed about this man...

Okay, it's cool, I'm back now.  

I almost asked my dad for a dog. But he would just say no or pull a Kim K:  

He can be such a diva sometimes. 

They are really dragging this out. It's like a Quentin Tarantino level of beating a dead horse. 

Neil Lane, Nick's long-time friend, helps him select yet another engagement ring for yet another sad soul. 

"I think everyone's rooting for you."

"I think everyone likes you."

I don't know if I can watch Vanessa and her tacky-ass sequin peacock feather earrings get engaged. 

Raven is the first out of the limo. This means her ass is nationally televised grass. 

The tears start flowing.

Just Nick's though.

Raven's salty streams don't make an appearance until 3 deep, air-catching sobs into the speech. 

She is dodging the biggest bullet right now. No woman should have to endure someone who mumbles that much through their giant teeth. 

You could see the relief flash across her face when she realized she didn't have to marry Dick Viall. 

Dear Raven, go to a bar. Find someone whose jaw can open all the way. Live your life. 

I am praying to Beyonce that Vanessa dumps his cheese-curd keister right there in the snow. 

His insecurity is incredibly vexing. I don't need to sit here and watch a grown-ass man wipe away snot bubbles. 

After some very scripted (and most-definitely re-shot) professions of love, they get engaged and blah blah blah happily ever after yadda yadda yadda get to the juicy stuff about Rachel. 

This was a season full of cattiness, stress, emotion, cheesy pasta recipes, private country concerts, and countless head fakes from Chris Harrison. 

Question: Can I send ABC the bill for the manicures I annihilated out of sheer frustration? 

The After The Final Rose special is basically just a ploy to get us to sit through another hour of this crap. 

THIS JUST IN: Nick and Vanessa actually hate each other and are so awkward it physically pains me to look at the TV screen. 

Thank Queen Bey we get to see Rachel and some of the contestants for next season. 

Except that white guy that said "I'm ready to go black and never go back."

White people are terrible.