WE'VE COME FULL CIRCLE
The first time I ever blogged about this trash fire of a TV show, I was on my couch with my left leg gently settled upon 7 of the 12 throw pillows my mom has in our family room. I had just undergone knee surgery and needed to keep that shit elevated, ja feel? The pain killers made me too groggy to get through more than one chapter of the Game of Thrones novels so I decided to invest my sitting time in the next best thing, reality television.
That was 6 years ago.
It was Emily Maynard's season of The Bachelorette. I didn't know who Emily was, I had forgotten how stupid the contestant could be, yet I was ready to viscerally judge strangers from the comfort of my own home and put it on the Internet.
And here we are.
For those of you who have been with me this journey since then, I thank you.
For those of you who joined late... or like, right now, buckle the fuck up.
2017
Remember Arie? the targeted Facebook video ad asks me.
"I TRY NOT TO" I scream into the void.
To catch you up, Arie Luyendyk Jr. was the frying-pan handed, moist lip-donning, bland man who lost to Jef With One F and fell off the face of the relevant earth to race cars and stuff (his dad is the super-ish famous Indy 500 winner, Arie Sr.). Prepare thine self for 10 weeks of excessive face-cradleing and slurping sounds.
Since Peter from Rachel's season bit the big one and said "I'm not ready for that kind of commitment" on National television like and idiot, producers passed over the likes of Broody Luke, Rock Body Chase, and PUPPY LOVING BEN Z for this very boring, very forgettable, slab of mayonaised butter.
I love butter so that last statement is serious.
Mayonaised wasn't even a adjective until now.
This is what the world has come to.
Although I cannot bear to blog weekly out of fear my brain cells will disintegrate, I can offer my colorful commentary on some of this season's cast.
We've got 4 Laurens, PLUS a Jenny, Jenna, Kendall, Krystal, Brittany, Brittane, and Bri.
Now, good luck telling any of them apart, because this is starting to look like an Arie-an Nation.
VALERIE
Valerie is 5' 11" and owns over 50 Halloween costumes. Valerie is a sorority girl who has not cleaned out her closet since graduation and will most likely be crying her amazonian ass off when she gets sent home on the first night.
MARIKH
Producers asked Marikh: What are your top three all-time favorite movies? She replied "Beetlejuice, Dark Shadows, Practical Magic." EP Mike Fleiss had the casting room immediately saged and blessed by a Rabbi/Priest/Tom Cruise impersonator, then said "Put a glass of chardonnay in her hand and see if she hexes someone."
ANNALIESE
Q: If you could be a fictional character, who would you be, and why? A: Any Disney character that has a happily ever after with a prince.
Excuse me, Annaliese, but I have two quick questions- WHAT YEAR IS IT? and HAVEN'T YOU SEEN MOANA?
Those dead shark eyes creep me out.
JESSICA
What's your favorite food? A: Kissing is my favorite food.
Jessica and Arie will get along great.
Sidebar: One lucky gal named Chelsea shared "I hate it when my date displays over-the-top PDA. Let me breathe!"
HAVE WE GOT A SURPRISE FOR YOU, SUGAR.
JACQUELINE
Q: Lunch with three people, alive or dead, and what would you order? A: David Foster Wallace, Julius Caesar (with translator) and Thomas Jefferson. Antipasta and cocktails
Jacqueline, for the love of your over-done bottom lashes, do less.
BECCA K.
Q: What are your top three all-time favorite movies? A: Sister Act 2, Gladiator, Pitch Perfect
*Closely examines life choices, sighs deeply, looks into the black mirror of a dead computer screen and whispers "I'm Becca K."
KENDALL
Q: If you could be a fictional character, who would you be, and why? A: James Kirk from Star Trek because I'd love to explore crazy worlds.
First of all, they're intergalactic travels across galaxies, Kendall. Show some damn respect. Do you just want to be William Shatner?
Q: What is the most romantic present you have ever received and why? A: My ex gave me an alligator hand holding an iron heart in a jar! I collect taxidermy so it was sweet to me.
Oh no, she's just fucking weird.
IN CLOSING
Did Arie just say "Bring me all the blondes and 30-year-olds you have" or was Pharrell's hat passed around so he could stick his big mitt in to pull out some names?
Only time will tell (and statistics say at least one of the four Laurens will make it into the top 4*).
*not a real statistic**
**I'm a writer, not a mathematician