Marnie Thompson
Marnie Thompson


Beefcakes on Parade | Bachelorette Preview

We finally have a Bachelorette who isn't boring and white! What a time to be alive! Most of Rachel's suitors are probably part-time models (but they still have to keep their normal jobs), meaning the chances for absolute narcissistic mayhem are high. Here are a few of the ones that stood out to me. 


At the ripe age of 31, Blake is an aspiring drummer. His other hobbies include taking out the trash at his Mom's house, putting the pots and pans he uses to practice back in the cabinet, and practicing NOT hitting himself in the eye with the sticks when he does the spinny thing. You know exactly what I mean by spinny thing

Contrary to popular belief, Dean is NOT Joey McIntyre's hair double. However he IS going to get his heart broken. 

Bryan is the grandpa of the group (37 years YOUNG , am I right?). Will he share his secret to his youthful glow? The blood of bachelors past, perhaps? 

Bryce is a firefighter and has a jawline that is just shy of being a snapchat filter. 


Diggy seems like a great pal. I really want to hear how he got his nickname... or literally do anything else besides that. 

Fred actually already knows Rachel. She was his camp counselor when he was a kid. Does Fred also have an affinity for Tom Jones? 

Here's Iggy. Not to be confused with Diggy. Fo-shiggy? I give him 3 dates with the Bachelorettiggy. Do less, Marn. Do less. 

Jonathan's child molester vibe is so strong they had to cast the other contestants to be 26 or above for assurance. He also looks like he was rejected from The Book of Mormon National Tour ensemble. 


Here we have Josiah and Jedidiah, two of the Duggar children who escaped both formal courtship and Michelle's ample womb. 

Lee, the singer-songwriter, will shake things up this season by personifying exactly what his hair is screaming: "DOUCHENOZZLE. HORRIFIC DOUCHENOZZLE."

Lucas is a self-proclaimed 30 y/o "Wahboom." Lucas can fuck off. 

Milton, is a "hotel recreation supervisor." *COUGH* LIFEGUARD *COUGH* There may be Baywatch jokes. No one will laugh. 

Rob and Tom Cruise were separated at birth but oddly enough still both ended up joining cults. He just wants to have someone at "Hello," help him make it through this Mission Impossible, then show him the money. 

Will. Look at that face. Look at that smile. Look at those trap muscles. I want to watch him open a stubborn jar of pickles. 

Michael is a 26 y/o former professional basketball player. Voted most likely to be referred to as Winston for the duration of the season, I have a feeling Michael may go all the way to the final rose. 

I'm already exhausted.