The Magic of Platinum Genitalia | Bachelor Week 7

Cat's out of the bag! Earlier today Rachel was announced as the next Bachelorette! She will be the first African American woman to take on a horde of swarthy dudes. I'm relieved that Rach will escape Nick's clutches- even if it means we have to watch her date 2 Bens, 3 Zacks and a few variations of Bryans/Brians.

Prepare yourself for a monstrosity of chino shorts and Vans slip-ons, girl. 

Where did we leave off last week?

Oh, yes. 

Nick left the women sobbing in a St. Thomas hotel room, uncertain of both their romantic and potential celebrity status. 

He's having a moment. He doesn't think he can trust his own emotions and he's petrified of rejection. 

Meanwhile, the women are petrified that he's straight up done. They're nervous that he doesn't feel strongly about any of them enough to go on. 

Side note: I watch this show with my roommate Beth.

Please also note Beth has some of the best one-liners I've ever heard.

"I can't wait for Corinne to save him with her platinum vagine." 

The Bachelor gets his shit together and they are jetting off to Bimini!

Where is Bimini you may ask?

Well, it is conveniently located off the coast of Miami so whoever goes home just hops in a dinghy and drifts up onto the shores of South Beach. 

One-on-One #1

Vanessa gets her second solo date with Nick, while Corinne throws a tantrum in the corner. She's holding her breath and plugging her ears in attempts to have producers mildly concerned. 

"Little Nick's gotta do what Little Nick's gotta do... nah mean?" - Beth, a college-educated young professional 

The pair lay out in the Bahamian sun and discuss the hard-hitting issues in their relationship: 

  • Nick's lack of confidence
  • Vanessa taking the cue to step back
  • Nick's strange and tiny mouth
  • Vanessa's seasonal eczema
  • Climate change
  • The kind-of-shady racism at the Grammys
  • The fact that bees are dying at an alarming rate
  • Almost all movies are sequels now

V lays it all out for Nicky. She loves him and his large head. She adores him and his petite pie hole. She's gaga for his beady little eyes. She cuckoo for his cocoa puffs. 

*GASP* He doesn't know how he feels and doesn't want to be an idiot and lead her on. 

V is visibly crushed. 

Group Date

There's blood in the water on this group date. Corinne and Raven awkwardly apply their own sunscreen as Nick gets Kristina all lubed up. 

The motley crew strap on their snorkels and doggy paddle with some sharks.

Please hold for a solid 12 minutes of Jaws references.

Part of me is wishing Corinne will get chomped in the shallows and we can all go to sleep. 

After they shower off the salt water and attitudes (kidding, Corinne is 100mg of pure sodium), Nick and Kristina make out and cry over YET AGAIN his inability to make decisions. 

Raven has been somewhat of a dark horse in this game. She's not the flashiest, or the most talkative, but she's the most sane one in the bunch by a mile. Nick really digs how low-maintenance she seems. 

"You call your dad 'Daddy?'"

Olivia feels that she deserves a rose because she's entitled and never really understood what the term "deserves" really means. 

Raven gets the group date rose, meaning Nick will be hitchin' a tractor to Hoxie, Arkansas (but not before this totally unexpected private concert, of course).

One-on-One #2

Danielle and Nick embark on their second date together and have literally nothing to talk about. There's awkward silence, and then there's this.

Can their relationship catapult forward? Nick, why use that phrasing? You really want to launch into a relationship when you're not even sure you want to be part of this "journey" anymore?

Are you trying to penetrate the gates of Mordor or something, Nick? Save the Dark Age military tactics and terms for your next trip to Medieval Times. 

Can we just take a moment and agree that Nick is just the worst? Like, not as bad as Brad Womack or Juan Pablo, but he's coming in for the bronze. 

I say this because of what happens next...

He compliments Danielle on her nice face and sleepy eyes, then dumps her in the 95% humidity.

No ego or hair style can come back from that. 

Seeing an open window and being void of human compassion or decency, Corinne puts on her Bad Sandy outfit and seduces Mr. Viall. 

With the mic turned WAY up, we hear Little Nick having a great time and then his inner publicist starts screaming REMEMBER KAITLYN! REMEMBER KAITLYN! 

He realizes the shit storm of backlash he would get if he slept with a contestant at this stage in the game and sends Corinne home in a sexually-frustrated huff. 

One-on-One #3

Our Bachelorette sets off for her date with the guy that she will 100% not end up with (Thanks, EW). 

It's a sense of relief to not be so invested in their relationship anymore, yet, heartbreaking because what kind of emotional turmoil is Rachel going to go through when Nick leaves her on the sandy shores of depression?

Will he actually go through with a hometown date for our girl? 

"I've never brought home a white guy."

Well, Rach, prepare the family for Wonderbread Man! Seriously, Nick is like the Solange of white men (Ben Higgins is obviously the Beyonce). 

The best part about this episode is seeing Corinne's psyche slowing cracking with every passing moment. Rachel said the word "hometown" and Corinne's pits became miniature swamps. Someone mentioned their time together went well and her ass started sweating. The bangs are being pulled in front of the eyes, the tacky yellow nail polish is being chewed off. It's only a matter of time before they find her in the corner eating her hair. 

In lieu of a rose ceremony, Nick wants to eliminate a woman "he has a special love for" in private. 

Kristina is pulled aside and told Dasvidanya through some really intense ugly crying. 

Next week: Corinne continues to hyperventilate.