"The Scariest Thing I Can Think of Right Now Is Nicolas Cage" | Bachelor Week 5

Hey. Hi. How are ya?

Welcome back to the rose ceremony we should have seen last week.

Chris Harrison let's us know that the squabble between Miami Barbie and Dr. Puts-Foot-In-Mouth will be "the most anticipated showdown of the season." 

Chris, I literally don't care if either of these girls fell into a viper pit let alone if they get into a bitch fight.

With all this talk about emotional intelligence, one has to wonder...

What drives someone with a Master's in psychology to go on this show?

Field study?

More hands-on experience?

Exposure on national television and the potential to make $100K as the next Bachelorette?

I just can't handle the mind-numbing conversations some of these people have.

They're basically on chardonnay IV's for the entire 3 months of filming, so how can whatever tumbles out of their mouths be held to any level of legitimacy?

"Taylor is not nice."

In Native Corinne this translates roughly to "Taylor knows I'm hotter than her and she's jealous."

I may need a bowl of cheesy pasta to deal with this malarky. 

Finally it's time for some of these empty souls to depart.

Everyone is wrapped in blankets.

Did the production managers know that Wisconsin is cold in October? 

"Just put 'em outside, it's fine, they'll be too drunk to feel anything other than the harsh sting of rejection."

YOU CAN SEE THEIR BREATH AS THEY QUIVER WITH ANTICI...

Sarah and Astrid leave us.

I had to look up their names and cross-reference with photos because if anyone was forgettable it was Sarah and Astrid. 

According to Nick, the ladies are hitting the road and shipping down to The Big Easy...

FOR THE FIRST TWO-ON-ONE DATE OF THE SEASON.

Let's make some CUTS.

This is when the show gets good. This is when we see friendships shatter and the competition heats up.

We'll be able to smell the desperation through the TV by next week, I guarantee.

Nick seems to be in a continuous spiral where he allows Little Nick to make the decisions for him.

Fingers crossed Taylor and Corinne are on the two on one.

Side note/serious question: Is Kleenex or Puffs a sponsor of this show? The amount of crying is uncanny and if someone isn't capitalizing on those booze tears ABC is doing this wrong.

One-on-One

Rachel and Nick poke around the city, do a little shopping, slurp some oysters, swap spit, and eat a beignet.

Conveniently there's a second line that comes down the street to celebrate the couple and their heavily produced romance.

It's so pure!

So genuine!

Rachel can't believe that a white guy can kinda dance!

After one too many drinks or for fear of heat rash, they duck into a bar.

"We wandered into this bar and... CUE PRIVATE CONCERT." 

I'd almost prefer if these ~seamless integrations~ were not so seamless. 

"Hey Contestant #3 would you like to go to a concert featuring a new country singer while we dance and kiss in front of people? Might be kind of cool and they're paying me to do it so you don't have a choice."

Rachel brings the peppy date to a startling halt with funeral talk.

"Second lines aren't usually like that."

Here is the perfect moment, Nick.

"Your mascara is running, can I offer you a seamlessly integrated brand name facial tissue?"

Group Date

A haunted house? One of the most haunted in Louisiana? 

Uh huh, no thank you, HARD PASS. 

May, the 8-year-old ghost that inhabits this plantation must be so glad she didn't live to see this show influence mainstream society. 

As the group wander around the old home, some ladies choose to respect the possibility of spirits, while others are having none of this white nonsense.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but that painting of Little May looked like she was about 300% with this shit.

You can almost hear the producer's faint whispering "Jasmine. Hey, Jasmine... try the hat on." 

(Back at the Hotel) PRO TIP: Ways to get ready for a two-on-one date should include 4 plates of food, mint jelly face masks, bathtub champagne, and an IQ of 12. 

Danielle M. and Nick spend some quality nuzzling time together and I SWEAR the music track they chose to play at that very moment was the guitar interlude from First Cut Is The Deepest. 

This is one time in a girl's life when Sheryl Crow should NOT be played. 

Raven spilled the three bean casserole that she loves Nicky Poo, causing his beady little eyes to light up like the Fourth of July. 

Two-on-One

It's do or die for Mr. Viall. 

Time to make a choice between Corinne and Taylor. 

While hanging out on the bayou.

So humid.

So sticky.

So romantic. 

"If Nick picks Corinne today he's thinking with his cockledoodledandy."

A voodoo priestess can feel the contention radiating between the women. 

Taylor is left to get her personal tarot reading done while Corinne drags Nick into the bog to complain. 

Who should Nick pick?

We'll have to see what the cards say...

Spoiler alert, Corinne's cards say she's batshit. 

"How do you make a voodoo doll specific to a person?"

So, Corinne spent her time complaining about Taylor, and Taylor spent her time sounding equally as bitchy. 

This guy BUH-LOWS my mind with how much he allows Little Nick to call the shots. 

Taylor awkwardly walks away from the man who essentially just chose to date the most determined flirt that ever made herself ridiculous. 

Then Taylor awkwardly walks back into frame because, as it turns out, there was nowhere else for her to go and we must revel in her humiliation for longer than planned.

But don't count her out just yet.

Voodoo Mama Juju gave her some crisco and oil spirit dance, so now she'll eff shit up for Corinne.