Never Have I Ever Enjoyed Watching This Show | Bachelorette Week 3

DeMario is back. Rachel is "floored." The editing to her voiceover is awful. He wants to come back. She drops the mic repeatedly until he final picks up what she's putting down. 

BYE DeMARIO, SEE YOU NEVER. 

Jonathan, The Tickler is trying to be the understated funny guy. I hate it. 

Every time she talks to Kenny, she peels back a different layer. Can you hear me screeching about the Shrek reference? Am I projecting enough for the people in the back? 

Blake: "The thing thats hard for me to swallow, besides yucky medicine the doctor gives me when my steroids make my pee-pee hurt, is the overwhelming amount of Wahboom at the party."

Blake can't contain the sass when Rachel tells him about the weird banana story she heard from Lucas.

"I DON'T EAT CARBS BECAUSE IM ON A KETOGENIC DIET."

I have no time for this. 

Rose Ceremony

Fred is already crying. 

"Bryan, will you accept this rose... and maybe crack my back?"

 Anthony gets his first taste of camera time and viewers everywhere wonder "Is he new?" 

Lucas is dressed like Chandler Bing in the late 1980s sans flock of seagulls haircut. 

Brady may look like the next American Psycho but is causes lady boners across America.

Wahboom and Banana Blake are out. Their confrontation was the most accurate display of frat bro fuckery I've seen on TV in a while. 

If you aren't aware, Lee has been in the spotlight this week because of some tweets.

"I'm going to have problems with some of these guys."

Is that because they're not part of Hitler Youth or card-carrying NRA members? 

Group Date #1

The date card is very straight forward, they're headed to Ellen

As the guys file in through security, Ellen and Rachel are in a back room judging them.

Rachel: "That guy tickled me when he came out of the limo."

Ellen (saying exactly what we are thinking): "...Why is he still here?" 

I want Peter to be my little gap toothed bitch and wear his comfty-ass looking sweater around our second home/cabin up in the Catskills while he grills steaks out back and I pick what we're going to binge on Netflix. 

Naturally, Ellen has the guys dance all over the audience.

Apparently, Alex was a Chippendales dancer in his previous life and is super confident about wearing speckled pants on national television. Bless him and the old lady he happened to grind up on. 

I need Rachel to get over the history she has with Fred the Child and see Fred THE MAN. 

I ship it.

#Rached (or maybe #Frachel, #Rederick, #Frach) 5ever. 

After an awkward ask and unfortunate realization, my dream of Fred and Rachel being a thing is shattered.

Squashed. 

Trodden upon. 

Will I ever recover? 

Oh, there's Peter. I'm fine now. 

One-on-One Date

Anthony strolls down Rodeo drive buff AF and sees Rachel atop a large steed. Homeboy has never ridden a horse before and will be sore tomorrow, let me tell ya right now. 

It is also my dream date to stroll down Rodeo Drive on a large quadruped, eating baked goods. 

With matching cowboy boots, hats, and a whole mess of equine feces, this date seems to be going well. 

Anthony says all the right things, gets a rose, then the pair dance under the stars to the music stylings of a private jazz quartet. The lack of solo country concerts is really refreshing this season. 

Praise be. 

Group Date #2

Rachel's buds/the cast of Bachelor in Paradise 4 have returned and are ready to get the 411 on the men.

There's lewd behavior in the limo, leading to only more dirty business, MUD. WRESTLING. 

I can't wait to see Kenny body slam Lee back to 1962. 

I'm watching these guys grapple in the grime and i can't help but wonder... is there anything gayer than this?

Maybe actually homosexual intercourse? 

Surprisingly, Bryce beats out Kenny for top Dirty Dude, they hits the showers and the girls dish. 

Eric and Lee are both increasingly more annoying when they fight. I feel like I'm reliving a Corinne and Taylor moment.

Eric somehow gets a rose.

Everyone is perplexed. 

"Lee has a snake in his DNA." And that sneaky serpent likes to tweet up a storm, then delete the evidence after he gets caught. 

PLOT TWIST. Kenny was a Chippendales dancer. 

Side note: Adam and his red leather vest. That is all. 

Jack Stone is the scariest Sim I've ever seen. Almost like Jack Nicholson had a baby with Steve Nash. 

The Cocktail Party

Iggy and Eric get into it, and apparently that makes Lee uncomfortable. He only knows how to deal with anger via social media rants and bad country songs. 

It's 9:58 so this damn rose ceremony isn't happening, AGAIN. 

We leave off with Eric being even more annoying. 

*Le sigh*